11.18.2015

I now know why.


This is going to be one of those posts that I get real. I am going to get real personal. I am going to get real raw. And I am going to allow myself to get real vulnerable.

Writing this has been on my mind for quite sometime. I suppose my hope in writing is, it can provide some form of comfort, even if minuscule, for maybe even one person.

I live in a culture and belong to a faith where marriage and family are a crucial and divine component of our beliefs. We believe that family relationships last forever and that one of our greatest ambitions in life is to be married and to have children.

For as long as I can remember, there is nothing I wanted more than being a wife and a mother. The absence of such a deep rooted desire has left my soul feeling nothing short of broken and wondering, "Why am I not enough?"

Dealing with that level of "rejection" for over a decade was almost unbearable at times. Why didn't someone - anyone - want me forever? 

I have dated a handful of people. And every last one of them {sans the man I am currently dating and have been for the last 2.5 years} left me ... for someone else.

Until September 30, 2014, this absence in my life was the most profound sorrow my heart and soul knew. The pain was piercing. And seemed never-ending.

At some point, I stopped asking, "Why?" I figured that once in Heaven, I would find that part out.  I figured it was part of God's grand plan and that I would have to teach myself to be "okay" with it. Plus, if I am being honest, in my mortal mind, I couldn't fathom a reason "good enough" to live without my deepest desire, so it didn't matter what it was.

And I think I have done a pretty darn good job of that. It has never been something I dwelt on. I have lived a life of joy and fulfillment. I think I have done all I could do to live a life that doesn't constantly reflect how lonely my little heart has been.

Yet, it was always hidden somewhere deep inside to come out on those hard days, or hard moments. Sometimes, it didn't feel like it was hidden too deep as I felt others' sorrow, and even sometimes pity, for the absence of these things in my life.

However, this past year, all of that has changed. 

Being as old as I am, in the culture and faith I am in, without being a mother and a wife is no longer the most profound sorrow my heart and soul knows. That is solely reserved for the absence of Steve in our lives.

My mortal mind now not only knows why I have lived a life absent of being a wife and a mother, but knows that the reason is "good enough" and more. My mortal mind now knows the reason and wouldn't change it for the world.

I have mentioned before that my sister got married at the adorable age of 18 and a mother at the age of 20. We all adored Steve and her together so much, that we never questioned it. Now we know, each year was invaluable as they would only have 17 of them together in this life. She was able to focus on making their house a home, taking care of Steve and her children.

However, when I was 18, I was off to college. I graduated and became a "career" woman. While my sister was learning "wifey" and "mom things", I was learning boring stuff like insurance, bank accounts, paying bills and stuff {things that Steve so graciously did so Tiffany didn't have to}.

It was almost comical at times how two lives that were once almost the exact same became so vastly different. But now, I know why they had to be different. 


There is no doubt in my mind that I have lived the life I have, specifically absent of a husband, so I would know how to succor my sister when she would be without hers. Knowing the cause of things so dear being withheld doesn't take away the sorrow and emptiness I have experienced over the last decade, it just makes it worth it. 

I think I wanted to share this with the world wide web because ... we are all going to face heartaches and sorrows, those deep, profound ones that make you wonder if you can go on. And I want you to know that as hard as it is, as bleak as it may appear, one day, IT WILL BE WORTH IT

So, you keep your chin up, you keep on keeping on. You may not know why you are facing such a trial or experiencing such grief. And maybe like me, it will take you a decade {or an entire lifetime} to finally know the why, but an ever-loving Father in Heaven has a plan for your pain and sorrow and IT WILL BE WORTH IT.  Trust in that, trust in His plan, trust in HIM. He is taking care of YOU and He is taking care of your loved ones in not only the best way He knows how, but the best way possible, even if you cannot yet see it. 

11.05.2015

Hello, November

"It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratitude that make us joyful."

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I am pretty confident that I like to decorate for holidays. However, one of the biggest problems I have with it is my severe lack of storage space. I am finding it is extremely difficult to be a celebrator of holidays via home decor when you have absolutely no place to store that home decor for the that time frame that it isn't being used {which is often times 11 months out of 12}.

However, I did find a little way around it.

And it is this bistro table, baby!

I pretty much have two goals with the bistro set. 

1. Decorate it for all the fun holidays!

And 2. Take up as little storage space as possible!

I am finding much success with pillow cases. Hobby Lobby has been a treat for this! I keep the three pillow forms and then just cover them with different pillow cases each month.

October and November are kind because I can use pumpkins for both and then just discard the pumpkins come December.

Speaking of December, my dad accidentally DI'd {read as "thrifted" my Christmas tree}! Which means, I am in search of a new one ... and I am thinking I might go a little crazy this year, you know, to match my living room decor. Here's a refresher of what that looks like! I am a tad nervous, but let's get real, red and green would NOT work with this decor. So, we will just have to wait and see what happens! Wish me luck!

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If you want to see more of my front porch, feel free to go to Instagram and search #MindysFrontPorch :)

11.02.2015

I hear the bells!


On the second Saturday in September my baby sister got hitched!

This was the first Thornley wedding in almost 18 years.

Clearly, we can blame that delay on me. 

But I digress. :)

Before I continue, I need you to know that great lengths were taken for this post to be written. I accidentally made the mistake to download all the wedding photos while at my computer {read as turtle in peanut butter slow internet} and after I clicked on "download" it told me it would take three hours to download all the photos. But don't worry, the time increased to two days. Ha! Essentially, what I am telling you is that is takes forever and hell might freeze over and I might be married before the download was complete. ;)


















We love Jordan and how wonderful he is to our Missy. It was an almost perfect day. The only thing it lacked to meet perfection was our Stevie there in person, although we know he was there is spirit. :)

#lastone #hellreallymightfreezeoverfirst #Imnotworriedaboutit
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Photography by Claire Elizabeth and Cali Stoddard


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