I now know why.

This is going to be one of those posts that I get real. I am going to get real personal. I am going to get real raw. And I am going to allow myself to get real vulnerable.

Writing this has been on my mind for quite sometime. I suppose my hope in writing is, it can provide some form of comfort, even if minuscule, for maybe even one person.

I live in a culture and belong to a faith where marriage and family are a crucial and divine component of our beliefs. We believe that family relationships last forever and that one of our greatest ambitions in life is to be married and to have children.

For as long as I can remember, there is nothing I wanted more than being a wife and a mother. The absence of such a deep rooted desire has left my soul feeling nothing short of broken and wondering, "Why am I not enough?"

Dealing with that level of "rejection" for over a decade was almost unbearable at times. Why didn't someone - anyone - want me forever? 

I have dated a handful of people. And every last one of them {sans the man I am currently dating and have been for the last 2.5 years} left me ... for someone else.

Until September 30, 2014, this absence in my life was the most profound sorrow my heart and soul knew. The pain was piercing. And seemed never-ending.

At some point, I stopped asking, "Why?" I figured that once in Heaven, I would find that part out.  I figured it was part of God's grand plan and that I would have to teach myself to be "okay" with it. Plus, if I am being honest, in my mortal mind, I couldn't fathom a reason "good enough" to live without my deepest desire, so it didn't matter what it was.

And I think I have done a pretty darn good job of that. It has never been something I dwelt on. I have lived a life of joy and fulfillment. I think I have done all I could do to live a life that doesn't constantly reflect how lonely my little heart has been.

Yet, it was always hidden somewhere deep inside to come out on those hard days, or hard moments. Sometimes, it didn't feel like it was hidden too deep as I felt others' sorrow, and even sometimes pity, for the absence of these things in my life.

However, this past year, all of that has changed. 

Being as old as I am, in the culture and faith I am in, without being a mother and a wife is no longer the most profound sorrow my heart and soul knows. That is solely reserved for the absence of Steve in our lives.

My mortal mind now not only knows why I have lived a life absent of being a wife and a mother, but knows that the reason is "good enough" and more. My mortal mind now knows the reason and wouldn't change it for the world.

I have mentioned before that my sister got married at the adorable age of 18 and a mother at the age of 20. We all adored Steve and her together so much, that we never questioned it. Now we know, each year was invaluable as they would only have 17 of them together in this life. She was able to focus on making their house a home, taking care of Steve and her children.

However, when I was 18, I was off to college. I graduated and became a "career" woman. While my sister was learning "wifey" and "mom things", I was learning boring stuff like insurance, bank accounts, paying bills and stuff {things that Steve so graciously did so Tiffany didn't have to}.

It was almost comical at times how two lives that were once almost the exact same became so vastly different. But now, I know why they had to be different. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I have lived the life I have, specifically absent of a husband, so I would know how to succor my sister when she would be without hers. Knowing the cause of things so dear being withheld doesn't take away the sorrow and emptiness I have experienced over the last decade, it just makes it worth it. 

I think I wanted to share this with the world wide web because ... we are all going to face heartaches and sorrows, those deep, profound ones that make you wonder if you can go on. And I want you to know that as hard as it is, as bleak as it may appear, one day, IT WILL BE WORTH IT

So, you keep your chin up, you keep on keeping on. You may not know why you are facing such a trial or experiencing such grief. And maybe like me, it will take you a decade {or an entire lifetime} to finally know the why, but an ever-loving Father in Heaven has a plan for your pain and sorrow and IT WILL BE WORTH IT.  Trust in that, trust in His plan, trust in HIM. He is taking care of YOU and He is taking care of your loved ones in not only the best way He knows how, but the best way possible, even if you cannot yet see it. 


kimberly said...

You are awesome. You will never know how much your sister has truly needed you, all of you. That was a very inspiring post. Thanks for sharing.

Megs said...

Amen to all of this. You got this right. Love every bit of it. ..and YOU!

Shan said...

Thanks so much for posting this Mindy. May be exactly what I've needed to hear recently.

Shan said...

Thanks so much for posting this Mindy. May be exactly what I've needed to hear recently.

Brooke Watson said...

This is incredible! Love you ❤️

Gentry Williams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gentry Williams said...

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for opening up. <3

Aubrey said...

Thanks for posting something so personal. I need to read more things like this.

Amy's Fashion Blog said...

beautiful post


Shannon Hairr said...

This was beautiful to read! It is hard when you don't have the "typical" life in your culture. I am a married woman with kids but am the breadwinner. In our religion, that is so not normal. Sometimes you feel like an outsider. And I have wondered why as well, but I know it was my path to take and that comforts me.

Allred Mom said...

What a wonderful, heart felt post!
Hugs to you, Mindy!

Harlynn said...

I believe you're going to be a wife and mother one day, at the right time. Like you said, just know God is looking out. Sounds like you've been an amazing supportive sister. When she needs it most, maybe you should take a leap into the "best aunt in the world" club. Take the kiddos so she and Steve can enjoy their life together while it's still lit. Stay strong, this definitely inspired me to keep my head high through my current life situation that's eating me away.

- Harlynn

Natalie said...

Mindy, this was so moving. The pain of absence is so haunting and you feel so exposed by your "lack of". I know how this feels in some form. It's a hard journey to come to understand our trials and why God wants us to experience them. For you, I am so grateful you have received clarity and perspective. I was emotional through your whole post visiting every facet of your life as you let the world in. It's hard to be transparent and I too have tried to share my journey, because I have found comfort in others sharing their journeys and how they got through it. Thank you so much for sharing. I do have faith that life will work out the way it should and like you said, it will be worth it. So grateful you can be there to mourn with and comfort your sister. Sending lots of love your way!

Stephanie Hyde said...

tears. I love your blog so much.

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