"[His] absence is like the sky, spread over everything" - C.S. Lewis
If you haven't noticed, it's been hard to write lately.
A small part has been that I was so sick and in so much pain over the summer, that it didn't even cross my mind to type away. And maybe I slid out of the habit. Another small part has been how busy I have been with work and with life.
I think the biggest part is, writing about my life has changed. The absence of Steve is like the sky, spread over everything. It is almost as if I don't know how to write about my life without it being veiled with the reality of our profound loss.
We had a wedding. The first wedding in our family since Tiffany and Steve were married almost 18 years ago. It was such a wonderful event, but how to share the almost perfection of the day when a part of all of our hearts was missing?
I have always loved the fall and October. How do I write about my love of something that now, as hard as I try to make it not be, will always be tied with when Steve returned to Heaven?
To mask any event as one that I am not aching for Steve would be a lie. And a lie is not something I can live with, in life or on this blog. I have never allowed for such in this little space of the world-wide web that is mine, and I don't intend to now.
I know Steve wanted (and still does) want me to write. I know he wants this space of mine to be what it always was - hopefully something light, entertaining and that would bring a little joy to someone's day. And I feel like if I were to write about my life truthfully, too many experiences would have at the very least that speck of grief if not immeasurable amounts more.
His absence is like the sky, spread over everything. I am not sure that will ever fade. Our lives were better, happier, fuller, more joyful because he was here. It doesn't mean I don't experience those things. I do. We do. They are just experienced coinciding with our profound loss.
I suppose what this comes down to is, his life, his memory, his absence will always be a part of me. And as I make the attempt to write, to be true to myself, it must include him and his absence. I hope with all of my heart, it doesn't take away from what this blog was originally intended to do. Hopefully, it can show that while I will walk the remainder of my days on this earth with the abysmal sorrow, that I am still living. And I am still finding joy ... that even in our darkest days there truly is still light. And that light comes from knowing that through the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, that our Steven will be with us forever and that we will see him again.
And so, here we go. I hope you enjoy the ride. :)