And in my dreams ...

Following the loss of our Steve, my dreams were kind to me. So, so, graciously kind

They were magical, because in my dreams, he was still here with us. In those dreams, there was absolutely no indication or even hint that he was gone, that we had lost him. In those dreams, he was alive just as he always was

I loved those dreams more than I can say. I yearned for those dreams. I ached for them. I could never have enough.

And they lasted for a little over two months ...  until on one day, when I woke up on our Disneyland vacation. 

In the dream I saw the back of Steve and was so filled with joy for him to just be present.

But this dream was different. In this dream, the realization that he was gone became known to my dream-state. Dream Mindy said to herself, "That cannot be him, he is gone." And in the dream, the man I thought was my Shtev turned and I saw his face to see it was Steve's brother, Doug.

I ached in the dream.

And I ached when I woke up. And I cried. Because for those two extra months, he had still been alive in my dreams, even if just in my dreams ... and now? Now, my dreams finally connected to my reality and I lost him once again, in the last place this world provided him. 

And all the kindness, grace and magic my dreams once held, was, like my Shtev, just ... gone in a single moment. And, like in my reality he hasn't returned, but I hope that at least Dream Steve will return until that beautiful and divine day that I truly will see him again. 

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