There is still much left to be spoken of losing Steve. I think there always will be.

There is still much left to be spoken of the grief of losing Steve. I think there always will be.

Wild Animal Park | December 2010
But today, today I want to talk about how in the midst of our darkest days, there still is joy.

Up to now, I have shared some of the most raw and gut-wrenching experiences. In fact, everything I have shared to this point, has covered a mere four days. The first four days.

Those days were dark. Those days were a blur. Those days, time just careened. Even though his death occurred six weeks ago, what you have received from me is just those first.four.days.

And before I go further into days five, six, seven or more ... I want to give you a glimpse of where I am now, a place where JOY IS FOUND.

Grief still cloaks almost every moment, every experience. But joy has a way of floating in like an early morning fog every now and again.

Joy comes in the knowledge that we WILL see our Steven again

Most of you probably know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As a member, it is our belief that families are forever and that as you pass from this life to the next, your loved ones are waiting for you. Since Steve's passing, my mind has conjured the most beautiful and divine image I can think of ... that one day, when I too pass, I will run to that man and hug him so tight!!!! I long for that day. Because Christ overcame the grave, so did our Steven and so will we.

Joy comes because I know Steve wants me to be happy

For the last 17 years, I have always felt Steve was one of my biggest fans. It didn't matter what I was doing, he was always, always there supporting me 110%. All he ever wanted for me was to be happy and he did everything in his power to contribute to that happiness. I have a feeling that now that he is gone, that is what he is still doing. And so for him, I will be happy.

Joy comes from the goodness of others

Our family will never be able to thank the countless individuals who said {and continue to say} prayers on our behalf, sent texts/emails/FB messages/phone calls, dropped by, made meals, donations given for my sister and her family, those who mowed the lawn, those who dropped off gifts or treats, those who helped clean up my sister's yard for the winter ... The list just goes on and on.

Last week Tiffany was at the grocery store and someone saw her at the checkout. He was a friend of Steve's and he quietly said, "Please let me buy your groceries today."

Constant.experiences. of people expressing their kindness, love and support ... thank you just isn't enough. Our gratitude has no end.

A part of me went to Heaven that day with Steven ... 

And something is telling me there will always be a profound void, emptiness and ache. But, make no mistake about it ... we still find joy, just as Steve would want us to. 


I know that Steve would want me to be blogging about anything other than him. :) I know he wants me to be blogging about my old, regular, pointless things. :) And I will. I just want to get some particular experiences here first while they are so close to my heart. And then ... then I will find a way to blog the way he always wanted me to. :)

1 comment:

Ruth Emmett said...

I love reading your blog and I love this post. Very well written. You are and have always been such a strong person. It was fun to run into you the other day too!!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...