We left without him ...

Today it has been four weeks to the day since we lost Steven.

Once Tiffany had been reunited with her boys, I was able to enter the ICU to see Shtev. I saw nurses standing in the distance, their glances and stares said so much as they watched a heartbroken family make each step closer to a loved one lost.

I was led to a room of a wall of windows. But the curtains were all pulled so onlookers could not see in. The door was opened and the curtain pulled back for my entrance and that is when I saw Steven. 

This is the moment that has haunted me most over the last month as I saw him lying there and he was just ... gone

My mama held me as I felt I was about to drop to my knees, as I was overcome with the grief of our loss. 

The next four hours we would spend with Steven, some of the most sacred moments this life has ever offered. Due to that nature, I will keep most of what happened there to those who were there that night.

I do remember looking at him and in my mind pleading, "Just wake up, Steve. Please, please, just wake up!" over and over again. 

As the morning hours crept up, it was then we began making phone calls. We had already called my brother and sister-in-law in St. George, but were awaiting them to return our calls. My dad called their bishop. I called their family friends who were going to be visiting later that day. And I called Tiffany's best friend. I thought saying those words, "Steve passed away" would make it more real, but it didn't. My mind still hoped he would wake.

We said our temporary goodbyes to our Steven and somehow made our way outside. We walked out of the hospital in a daze and without Steve. In all the countless hospital trips our family has made, we never once walked out without all of our loved ones.

And somehow, somehow we were supposed to make it not only the hour and half car ride home without him, but the rest of our lives also ... 


Missy W. said...

I can't imagine how difficult it must be writing these things down, but I hope you are finding comfort in sorting through your feelings and memories, and I think that in the future it will be so good to have these experiences down on "paper" to look back on.

steve and jessica said...

I am so sorry Mindy...We are praying for you all.

Niki said...

This breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss :( I can't even imagine. Your sister seems like a pretty incredible lady. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

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