9.19.2011

Dating Advice

from Mindy M. Thornley


Now, I realize that most of you reading this blog are married. So, 1. You don't need dating advice and 2. Even if you weren't married, why would you take dating advice from an old spinster?

In my defense, while I may be an old spinster, I don't own any cats. So that automatically increases my credibility. Substantially.

This past week I have learned a lot  about how to catch your perfect man. I feel it would be completely and entirely selfish if I didn't spread this knowledge along to the world wide web.

So, hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen! Keep all arms and legs inside at all times and enjoy the ride!

How to ...

Catch Your Dream Man

1. Completely forget the notion that guys will ask out the girls they are interested in. That is just a crasy idea. Why would a guy ask out a girl he is actually interested in? Weird. Always remember, if they are interested in YOU, they will ask out OTHER girls.

2. Put him on the spot and declare your love for him. This may seem awkward to you, but trust me on this one. And if it doesn't seem weird to you, you're already a step ahead than the rest of us!

3. Before that, incessantly talk about how you need to find him a girl to date. He will have NO idea you mean YOU. But then you have him right where you want him for that awkward-putting him on the spot moment.

4. After you declare your love for him tell him to "think about it".  He will do just that and only that. So when he never does more you should just sit around and wait for him to respond {even if your gut instinct tells you he never will. Lest you forget, you said "think about" it}. And it helps if you make yourself feel like an idiot waiting around. BUT! Never feel like an idiot for professing your love awkwardly, feel like an idiot because he is doing exactly what you told him to do. Besides, it is not like we have any control over how we feel. Absolutely.not.

5. Complain incessantly to your BFF and be sure to tell her the name of this man. This is important so she, who the man does NOT know, can send him a Facebook message {so, it kinda helps for your BFF to be a wee a lot- bit crasy!}. In the SURPRISE ATTACK Facebook message she should harpoon him for him not asking you out and for not being madly in love with you. She should also question his manhood for not asking you out. And, because she does not know him at all, she should forsurely tell him that you would be worth it to him and you would make him happy - because she has telepathy and knows what this complete stranger wants and needs in a companion.

And, the final line she should reference male genitalia and the man's lack of it. Because that is not inappropriate and is totally becoming of any female.

6. THEN, when the drama spins out of control, don't worry! This is part of the plan so that you can make sure you blame the man for it. And be sure to use cuss words to get your point across.

And voila!

There you have it.

No need to thank me. Just throw money in my general direction.

Good luck!

9 comments:

Avree said...

You are SO wise!

cole linnae said...

so THATS how you catch a man!!

Jan said...

that is totally how I caught mine.... glad to see you've found the secret.

Melissa said...

You forgot stalking...lots of stalking.

Shan said...

Oh man! I forgot that was how it works. :)

Lee and Ashley said...

What I love about this is although it sounds completely ridiculous most girls do exactly this. LOL

Burke and Emily Adams said...

I was laughing and cringing simultaneously while reading this...why do women do this to themselves?! So obsessive and SO mortifying!

Erica said...

You are too wise, Mindy!

Mike said...

Trust me ladies, this worked miracles on me!

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