7.18.2011

How to Master Your Evil Twin

1. Recognize that you have an evil twin.
Everyone has an evil twin. And by evil twin I don't mean an entirely separate entity from yourself, but your worst-self that does things, says things and is something you would clearly never be.

2. Shave off your goatee
All people with goatees {male or female} are forsurely the evil twin. But fully recognize that it doesn't mean the evil one always has one, as mine does not.

3. Familiarize yourself with the conditions in which your evil twin likes to come out and play.
Is it while driving on the freeway? While watching sporting events? While listening to band music? ;) And then avoid those settings at all cost.

Or if you are like me skip steps one through three and just go to step 1b:
turn on the air conditioning ...
or seek out air conditioning until you find it as if your life depends on it {because it does!}.

When the temperature rises and there is no way to cool down -
HEAVEN HELP US ALL AND STAY CLEAR.

This happened this morning. In my non-air conditioned home.

Evil Mindy came out to play.

And no one has taught her how to play nice.

AND, to top it off: she is ugly!

She wants to sweat.

And pull her hair out.

With bulging eyes and veins.

Practically spits on everything and everyone in her presence in that heaven-forsaken heat.

And fangs may or may not grow.

I cannot be certain because her very presence makes all mirrors shatter.

I am not quite sure of all the horrific possibilities that Evil Mindy could be capable of, but it may have included eating her roommates' heads off and swallowing them. Well, at least the ones who tell her, "It's not that hot in here."

To whom it may concern: 90* is too hot in here.

90* is too hot anywhere.

Mm-k?

And apparently even just talking about excessive heat spurs Evil Mindy on.

But enough about Evil Mindy.

How about more helpful advice?

It's helpful to know whether you're the good or evil twin for a couple of reasons:

1. The evil twin always tries to kill the good twin. So, if you're the good twin, you'll want to watch your back. And if you're the evil twin, and you've always felt adrift and unfulfilled in life, now you know why: go kill your goody-two-shoes twin and steal all of the ice cubes out of his ice cube trey {it's the kicking him while he is down theory}.

2. If you're the evil twin and don't want your good twin to know, it's smart to shave your goatee off. Similarly, a good twin can purchase a false goatee at a costume store to confuse his evil counterpart.

You might think to yourself, "I'd certainly know if I was the evil twin," but you'd be surprised. The evil twin almost never realizes they're not the good one, just as people who wear sunglasses indoors don't realize they're not the cool one and certain individuals don't realize they are not the ones that are going to convince me into going to Home Evening, formerly known as FHE.

But I digress.

Is this post about mastering your evil-self?
Subliminal messages into getting people to shave off their uglay facial hair?
Or another rant about no air conditioning in my house?

I guess that is up for you to decide ... or your evil twin, I 'spose.

7 comments:

Mike said...

This is the best summary of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I've ever seen.

Avree said...

Very enlightening. It explains a lot about Jaren.

Jared said...

Muy interesante that you point this whole "evil twin" thing out...I have pondered on this for a while now and I've done what you suggest (avoiding situations where it likes to come out and play), etc and it's made a big difference.

Then again, I don't think you're capable of having an evil twin, but that's just me.

Robby Spratt said...

Why don't you just buy an air conditioner?

Shan said...

Wet hair always helps the heat thing. I was in Brazil for 1 year and a half with no ac. Wet hair, cold showers, and a fan blowing directly on you at all times. P.S. I like goatees. :)

Lindsey Robb said...

Cool little blog you got here Mindy!

Meg said...

I fully agree that 90* is WAY too hot for existence. When the temps reach 75 I start to miss Alaska. When they hit 80 I'm ready to move back to Anchorage. Up there, when it's 70* everyone complains about how horribly hot it is and how they're never going to survive. I loved it. :)

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