Thank you, Hoarders ...

for teaching me the following things {WARNING. May not be suitable for young children}:

No one should ever own 50,000 dolls. Strike that. No one should own 50,000 of anything {with perhaps the exception of dollars I 'spose}.

That employees of 1-800-GOT-JUNK? probably didn't read the fine print in their job description.

That it's perfectly normal to miss a moldy pumpkin.

Possums, goats and raccoons aren't actually house pets.  

Inside your home is not the appropriate burial grounds for any animal.
Rats can eat through phone books quicker than humans.
And not only that, 2,500 rats make the perfect replacement companion when a loved one passes away.
Anyone who renames themselves Patrick Donovan Flanagan O’Shannahanand their house Camelot, thinks they are a leprechaun and keeps a blow-up lady in the passenger seat of his car could very likely be a pedophile.

3,000 pounds of poop is a lot of poop. Plus, the best place to store human waste just might be in a water bottle or a plastic bag, in a closet ... with the hundreds of other plastic bags of human waste.

Apparently we are "all four or five decisions away from pooping in a bucket" ...

Which is why keeping a couple of episodes of Hoarders on DVR and watching them on those days you just don't feel like tidying up comes in handy. Real handy.

If you define youryself as being picky and a perfectionist yet you haven't seen your floor in seven years, then yes, people are going to seriously doubt you.

It's hard to say no to dumpster diving, especially if it's "just gleaming with stuff, good stuff."

If you think it can be reused or someone else can get some use of it, it shouldn't go anywhere near the garbage can.

There's a store that sells frog and chicken purses ... and people who buy them.

The sooner the water gets shut off, the sooner you can put the toilet in the bathtub and make room for more stuff.

Expiration dates are completely optional. What is really important is whether the container is puffy or not.

For every live cat, there are two dead ones in the garage.

Speaking of cats ... cats and hoarders are attracted to each other like pb and j.

It's okay to continue to dumpster dive while taping an episode of "Hoarders".

If a homeless man is living in the junk in your front yard and you didn't know it - you might have too much junk in your front yard. And it is always a good gesture for the homeless man to assist with the rest of the clean up.

I never want to eat any homemade goodies from anyone unless I have been to their house first and know what is inside it.

"I'm not a good housekeeper" is a bit of an understatement when there are mummified kitten remains in your house, and cat poo ground into your floor.

Ignoring cat poop and getting used to the odor of cat poop is an extremely effective way to deal with cat poop.

Which leads us to the obvious fact: hoarders must not have a sense of smell.

Solid objects can drip.

And lastly, NEVER eat while watching this show. EVER. No exceptions, unless you don't mind if that particular food is ruined for you forevermore ... RIP Cheetos.

P.s. Did I leave anything out?


Avree said...

I've never seen hoarders, and I don't think I want to. I already knew that you shouldn't eat something someone makes unless you've been to their house though.

The Enslingers said...

Oh Mindy. Thank you for this post. It cracked me up, and grossed me out all at the same time. I am totally intrigued by Hoarders, and I could picture each episode that you made reference to. I laughed out loud when you said, "RIP Cheetos." :) I may have one to add. How about that giving birth to 9 (!) children does not guarantee that you won't be living in a pile of garbage and your own excrement when you are older...(with only room for your creeper head creeping out of a bunch of blankets in the midst of that garbage)? (How sad is that!?) Great post.

B said...

Hillary and i love that show

cole linnae said...

Mindy..... you are fricking HILARIOUS. i love hoarders AND you. and the episode where the homeless guy was living in his yard and the homeless dude was like, 'this guy needs to clean his house asap'..... classic. love it.

Olivia said...

Because of this blog, I just cleaned my apartment.

Shan said...

Your post makes me ill just reading it. I think I will never make it through an episode of hoarders.

Melissa said...

I learned that sometimes a used slurpee cup is more important than getting your children back from CPS.

And that some people can still use a fridge when it is covered in brown goo.

Kat said...

hoarders! Man this show is so disgusting but we can't help but watch it!

Meg said...

Another show I've never watched, and you've cured me of any slight desire there might have been to watch it.

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