6.10.2011

Antsy ...

I have been feeling antsy lately.

Liiiike ... I am not complacent with my life.

False: like I am not complacent with the monotony and the duration of this stage of my life.

I think this is normally when I take a vacation.

I just need a change of scenery.

Something to look forward to.

Something that is different.

But as we all know, a vacay is just temporary.

In fact, even if I was to move somewhere else and start up a new job - it too would still be just temporary.

If you are currently in college, don't read this next part.

College life and a career life are really not all that different. Sorry to break it to anyone who kept reading, don't say I didn't warn you. :)

Sure, there are no tests and studying {which is so beautiful I could shed a tear over it}. Buuut, your actual life doesn't change much. Instead of running around with your head chopped off on campus, you do it at your place of employment.

You do your studying/work with every intention of filling in all other time with something meaningful and productive, and of course fun - even though you are exhausted. I don't necessarily find myself having more time to do anything now than I did in college {and this is coming from a girl who took 19 credits the last semester of her senior year, taught seminary in the mornings, taught in Special Ed in the afternoons}. If anything, I seem to feel more exhausted now than I did in college. Maybe it's old age. ;)

I tell you this because I feel like I have been in the same spot in my life for 11 years.

Yes, 11.

A spot where ... I do what is expected {not merely because it is expected, but because it feels right for me}. But nonetheless, expected.

A spot where I see progression for others.

And not the same kind of progression for myself.

A spot where I have been in a singles ward for 11 years.

A spot where I am convinced no one was ever meant to be in a singles ward for 11 years.

A spot where I am actually going to get kicked out of the singles ward in 1.5 years. ;)

A spot where I continually am trying to find things I enjoy {and do}, but yet ... Not-so-deep inside I feel like they are just fillers for what I know will bring me the most joy and fulfillment.

But for now, that fulfillment is just a dream. A dream which tries to escape from the abyss of disillusion of ever being a reality. For a dream that never emerges into reality is just a dream. And many a dreams that remain just dreams have left a trail of broken hearts behind them.

And sometimes I think the extreme and gut wrenching delay of the dream has the potential of being the grandest blessing of all ... for if those who have longed and ached for the dream ever get the chance to experience the monotony of their dream coming true, their gratitude will know no bounds. A gratitude that can only be developed from actually having to wonder if the unfulfilled dream would be your heartbreaking reality.

To all who long and ache for something that is still just a dream, know that the crevices developed in our soul by sorrow, heartache and pain are there to prepare a home for the JOY yet to come.

10 comments:

Mike said...

I actually feel like I am busier now than when I was in school! Probably because I don't have as much freedom over my schedule as I used to.

Danelle and Alex said...

You have such a good attitude about it! I dream for you to have your dream as well!

Shan said...

I love that last paragraph. Thank you so much! I think in the waiting is where we find some of the greatest strengths and joys. (But I hate waiting :)

cami said...

Amen amen amen X one million!

DeeAura said...

Woah, I LOVE that last part, Mindy. No, really. I'm writing it down. And girl...I agree with every word. From the time and busy to the singles ward for 11 years. YUCK. :) I feel ya. But really - that last part is the thing we all have to hold onto. For the record, though: it makes me CRAZY when people think/say they'll have more time for "real life" as soon as they're done with college. No, honey. You won't. Then I'll hand them your blog address.

Angie said...

Mindy I love this! I really do. Everything you said is exactly how I have been feeling lately but unable to put into words. Thank you =)

Krystal said...

you must have known what I was going to blog about today... but yours is stated in a far more eloquent way than my whining... I am in the same place as you... I can't recall EVER being so tired just from a day of work.... how did I do it all in college?! And everything about being stuck... so so true. But unfortunately sometimes I think I do the things I do out of obligation, social/family pressure or expectation... not because I *want* to.... not a good place to be in. It's hard to hold on to that glimmer of hope that there is supposedly an "amazing" blessing waiting for me... cuz it's nowhere in sight...

Lil said...

I don't know that this was your point, but I think life after college is more monotonous than in college. I didn't really like school, but now I realize that I did like the change that came because of school. Sure you were taking classes, but they changed each semester. Also, summer was different. Now, I like my job, but it doesn't change. Every day I go to work and do the same things. That's what gets me sometimes, I need to break up the rhythm.

Toni said...

So many reasons why we're friends :)

B said...

Dreams do come true... Keep dreaming and keep smiling... When your dreams do come true you'll have more joy than others who only dreamed a short while...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...