Ever wonder what goes on in Mindy's head?

I just got back from Salt Lake City. Nevermind that the door on the driver's side of Eddie (my car) didn't want to close properly (that's right, it was semi-open on the freeway, for all 70 minutes). I was in Salt Lake attending a conference for work. I was becoming a certified SOAR instructor: dun, dun, dun. Let's just say that describing the experience as the worst three days of my life would be an understatement.

What follows this paragraph was written, not intending to be a post on my blog nor in poem form. It is actually the collaboration of random thoughts I had written down in my training manual on the first day of training, after having been there for eight hours and fifteen minutes, mistakenly thinking it was the worst day of my life (for your benefit, things that are italicized are things spoken by other people that I had just written down as well) ...

I want to sleep, eat, and run ... not in that order.
I want to leave NOW! I am going crazy!

To whom it may concern: I'm currently going insane.

Go home now.
Stop talking!
This is awful.
I want to leave now.

Attention span is gone.
Don't put that tissue down by me!

Fight or flight. Is that an option right now?
I'll take flight, please.

Why are you talking about gas!?
That tastes like poo-juice. WHAT?

Are you seriously carefully folding the booger-filled tissue!?
Dispose of it, man!

Can we stop talking about Bikram yoga and get this meeting over already?

Run for your life screaming out of the room.
I want to do that now. Is that socially acceptable?
Unfortunately, no.

Heart explode out of my chest.
You bet, if this meeting goes on for one more minute.
AND: throw the booger-filled tissue away!!!

What causes me stress?
Tissues with boogers in them sitting next to me and meetings that never end!
What do I do to relieve stress?
Run for my life screaming out of INSANELY long meetings!

Candles ...
Hey, those could burn down this building and then ...

Has anyone ever died of boredom? Seriously.
Oh, those are really cute shoes.
Crap. They would make me too tall - look at that heel.
Lucky, Virginia, you're short.

P.s. Thank you, Virginia, for wearing cute shoes to distract me momentarily from my boredom ...

Get rid of the tissue!

Heeeey, why did HE get to answer his cell phone leave!? Please, please! Someone, ANYONE - call me so I can leave!

Virginia, you look like Neela from ER. But you don't talk like her.
And ... the tissue is still there.

Don't take this the wrong way, but we only have 15 minutes left so if we could wrap this up ...
MATT! BEST COMMENT ALL DAY! I know I have never spoken to you and don't know you, but Matt: I love you.

I repeat, that was only the first day, and I thought it was the worst day of my life ... yeah, don't worry that the second day was a million-trillion times worse. The third day was slightly better than days one and two only because it was three hours shorter.

And what did I get out of it all? This ...

That's right. A piece of paper ... Okay, so it was card stock paper. And that little sticker did reflect the light if you angled it right. But who am I kidding? I have to turn this over to the company I work for so they can "put it in [my] file." So all in all, I literally came out of this three day conference empty handed and with a car door that doesn't shut without the assistance of an auto body mechanic.

P.s. That tissue I spoke so highly of on day one ... It returned for days two and three! I only dry heaved twice over that. The end.


Bethany said...

wow. i want to leave and i wasnt even there! i start june 1st. scared to death. wondering if theres a way i can get out of it. haha. just kidding...partially.

Brandon and Erica said...

haha. Gross and hilarious.

And, i always wondered what went on in that brain of yours :-).

So glad to finally meet your thoughts.

You funny.

Lindi said...

I completely understand about the snotty tissue. I hope the next 2 days were better

Toni said...

I have many similar thoughts ...at work :) You are hilarious! Hopefully You'll get years and years of goodness out of your cardstock, and it will have all been worth it :)

The Enslingers said...

I love, love, LOVE getting insight into your mind! I have a new topic for you to write about. Why exactly do you love to run? I would be extremely curious to know why. I am not a fan, and you can tell by the baby weight I still carry.....for me working out/running just isn't the same if it isn't competitive or on a basketball court. So please....do let me into your head one more time and tell me why you actually enjoy running. Thank you.

whitneybballs said...

I knew what was going on in your head none of this was news to me...just kidding. So yes we are neighbors and Jack and I take nightly walks and I would like to stop by and see you what apt number are you in? We are neighbors so let's be good neighbor friends!!!!

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